Woo doggie, 2009 is coming to an end and I am pleased to announce that, thanks to the courageous efforts of Supreme Leader Obama, as well as you tireless sycophants, liberal nihilism is on the precipice of absolute victory over our empirical arch-enemies, the American Christian. Now that Obama has completed the trifecta of destruction against America's imperialist healthcare doctrines, as well as the epic success our fellow traveler Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab's had with his recent terror action, which has helped instill fear in flying pants everywhere, I am delighted to announce the introduction to the First Centennial Carnival of the Liberals: Century of the Nihilist Edition Carnival.
Unfortunately, I'm a bit sketchy on most current events as I took an unscheduled hiatus for the past three and a half months after I found myself at the Secret Nihiliterror Training Seminar and RapeSex Jamboree in beautiful downtown Kenya; which was everything you can imagine it would be. I mean, really.
For the big finale, they brought the Holy Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who flagellated himself for three straight hours until the High Holy Mother, Michelle Hussein Obama, came in wearing her traditional Moslem headdress and nothing else and proceeded to make Abdulmutallab a woman while the rest of us took notes. And it ended in a giant orgy of self-hatred and sinful pain led by Bill Ayers in a Biden mask and we all regretted it immediately afterwards and stalked away in fevered embarrassment for the next several weeks until we forgot why we were stalking. Needless to say, I haven't had much time for blogging lately.
First Centennial Grand Prize Winner
So without further ado, I announce the Grand Prize winner of the First Centennial Carnival of the Liberals: Century of the Nihilist Edition Carnival, in which we praise The Great O as the One True Savior and place our faith in Him, eternal and always, until death takes away our spirit and returns it to the lands of Obama's fathers where we vow to be their devoted eunuch slaves for all of eternity and forever.
And leading that eunuch procession for the first hundred years will be none other than our First Centennial Grand Prize Winner, Socratic Gadfly, for his Obamaliscious submission entitled Rahm Emanuel, meet Bill Daley. It's a real humdinger of praise for the Great and Powerful Obama, and I can't thank Socratic enough for having shared these personal thoughts in honor of our greatest president. Fortunately for me, the best submission for the carnival also happened to be the only submission for the carnival, as it was so obvious to everyone how immensely superior Dr. Gadfly's post was that no one else bothered submitting anything to me.
So thank you, Socratic Gadfly, for the only submission to the 100th Carnival. You are truly an Obamafan for the ages. Please expect two extra ObamaRation shipments later this year, Squire Gadfly, you've earned them.
War On X-Mas Operations
So now what? That was the only submission I got, but I'm supposed to have nine more of these things. So in the spirit of Christian Hatred and X-Mas bashing, we turn to Panda's Thumb for a perfect example of subjectivist postmodern lie techniques, in which he makes spurious accusations of hoaxastry against two learned biblical scholars who have uncovered the taxonomic level of the Biblical “kinds” on Noah’s Ark. Needless to say, allowing scientific tools to aid religious discoveries would be a damning blow against our entire movement and so Panda is doing a thankless task in stifling the work of these intrepid scholars, and we all thank him for it.
And speaking of the use of science as a tool against humanity, we turn to our favorite anti-God Crusader, PZ Myers at Pharyngula, and his smear against the entire country of Italy for daring to sponsor a book which rightly exposes evolution as being the Leninist fad it always was. PZ even goes so far as to defame the book's author by claiming that he has no expertise in any of the subjects he's discussing, simply because it's true. Apparently, teaching History of Christianity in Rome isn't good enough to dismiss science anymore. Good work Dr. Myers, for your use of science as a weapon against God. For that, you can expect an extra gruel ration in next month's mail, which will be debited from your yearly annual stipend at the adjusted standard rate and applied against any future rents you might soon incur at any time throughout your initial occupancy period; subject to limitations.
And we'll wrap up the science portion of our War on X-Mas Special Feature with a shoutout to the EPA's Climate Change Kid Site, which coaxes children into reporting any environmental irregularities their parents may have committed, by giving them candy when they report violations and beating them when they lie. While at this State-Approved kid site, you can learn about gay dinosaurs, fantasize about the destruction of the earth, and even face off with Ozone the dog in a game of Hangman! It's a veritable cornucopia of fear-mongering and anti-capitalism for kids.
BTW: We plan to make this website mandatory reading for everyone starting January 15, to coincide with the beginning of President Obama Week, so it wouldn't hurt to start brushing up on it now. And remember, the cattle prods have been newly refurbished with larger batteries, so please take good notes.
All Hail Obama!
This is the portion of the carnival in which we praise Obama and all the good things he has done for us, is doing for us, and will do to us. This portion is now mandatory for all future carnivals and any carnival host who fails to include the All Hail Obama! segment in their respective carnival will be dealt with severely. And because I truly believe that I'm the most loyal Obama supporter in the world, I am awarding myself with two slots in the carnival, to show my dedication to The One.
Here's a great Nihilist Action Alert I issued after Obama's true birth certificate was brought to a pro-America rally on September 12. Thanks to my alert, the possessor of the certificate, as well as his immediate family, friends, and acquaintances were all rounded up for a wonderful fourteen week stay at one of Obama's many training facilities in Zimbabwe and never heard from again. The call of the Mother Country truly is strong for certain people who were once Obama's enemies. They quickly learn the importance of institutional adherence by the second month and begin to see things in a whole new light soon after.
And if that's not really your thing, then you should try my piece on Obama's Commandos of Love, which provides the true details of the assassination of the martyr Saleh Ali Nabhan last September. You'll wish you were next on the terror list.
And finally, a large pot of praise from neo-conservative pro-patriot and Community College Associate Professor Donald Douglas and his righteously pro-American essay on Obama's Non-Christmas. While Dr. Douglas is obviously on the empirical commonsense side of the political spectrum, and therefore doesn't really belong in a liberal carnival, he really nailed us with this one, as it relaly showcases how the Obamas are secretly subverting everything holy and good. Barack Obama truly is intent on destroying Christmas, in order to replace it with Obamamas, which will be similar to Christmas, except all gifts will be presented to Obama, which will be used to determine the new profession schedules for the next two fiscal years. Gifts under ten thousand Obamabucks will not be accepted unless accompanied with a letter of explanation, so please don't mess this up.
And lastly, we're giving the biggest and baddest Obama shoutout to the Big Bad Nihilist Himself: Barack Mohamad Hussein Akbar Obama. That's right, and not just one but three entries directly from the soul of Our Savior, the Holy Oak of History, into your unworthy little brain.
You can visit Our Savior at his official site, Whitehouse.gov, get to be personal friends with Him on MySpace, or read his minute-by-minute thoughts on Twitter; all great ways of getting those demerits removed from your permanent record before they even appear! But you've got to update often, or Obama won't know if you truly love him.
Good luck, praise be to Obama, and remember, it's better to be watching your neighbors than to be watched by them; so don't let your guard down. That's the Obama Way.
All Hail Obama! Obama for Life!